In the lead up to the movie release of ‘Renfield', in which Nicholas Hoult's Renfield tries to get away from his boss Dracula (Nicolas Cage), we take a look at all the reasons why vampires make terrible bosses.
We've all had horrible jobs. Maybe you worked as a barista in the city. Perhaps you worked in a windowless showroom for 12 hours selling furniture for minimum wage. Or you had a patronizing boss who took credit for all of your work. There are plenty of awful jobs out there, but it's safe to say that the worst job of all time is being a vampire's familiar.
Being on-call 24/7, no vacation days, high risk of death with little chance of ever being turned into an actual vampire – plus an often temperamental employer? Before you say yes to this job, here are the reasons why you should say no.
Vampires can be both narcissistic and violent employers. We see this in the 1994 movie Interview With The Vampire. Here, a reporter named Daniel Molloy (Christian Slater) connects with a vampire named Louis de Pont du Lac (Brad Pitt). The two of them head back to Louis' minimally decorated apartment. There, for an entire evening with no breaks, Daniel listens to the 200 year old vampire moan about his life and his relationships. There is no attempt on Louis' part to have a mutual conversation.
After this one sided blathering, which Daniel records using tapes that he bought and will clearly never get reimbursed for, the conversation ends on a sour note. Louis refuses to transform Daniel into a vampire, literally choking him when Daniel expresses this opinion. Louis leaves Daniel sputtering in the dust as he disappears.
All in all, Louis is a horrible boss.
I'm still not totally convinced though, I'm a good guy and my vampire isn't THAT bad! We're more friends than familiars!
“Stu is great. We really like him” states Taika Waititi's vampire. In 2014's What We Do In The Shadows. Stu (Stu Rutherford), becomes the defacto IT guy/ friend of a group of vampires who live in a flatshare. He is there as his friend Nick (Cori Gonzalez-Maceur) has been transformed into a vampire. While he is not the official familiar (a woman named Jackie is, and she spends most of the movie cleaning up blood while begging to be transformed), he acts in a pseudo-familiar capacity.
Stu teaches the vampires how to use digital cameras, text, facebook, google and find virgins online. Even after Nick is banned by the other vampires after inadvertently revealing to a vampire hunter his true nature. Stu is allowed to come and go from the house as he pleases.
It is to this end that Stu is invited along to a vampire party. Of course it all goes belly-up and Stu is attacked, mauled, and transformed into a werewolf. Note, he is not transformed into a vampire. Again, the job has a high risk associated with it. At any time one can be maimed and transformed into a magical creature that isn't necessarily a vampire.
Just because your vampire is nice, doesn't mean it isn't a high-risk job.
In 1998's ‘Blade', Officer Krieger (Kevin Patrick Walls) is the human familiar for antagonist Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff). The policeman is decent at his demanding job to begin with. He transports blood from blood banks. He works day and night, with unpredictable hours, as the vampire's muscle. But then he is assigned to kill Karen Jensen (N'Bushe Wright).
Unfortunately for him, he runs into Blade during this attempt. ‘Vampire Wannabe' is how Blade describes Krieger, before attacking him. Krieger successfully flees from Blade the first time, however the second time Blade forces him into revealing information.
Krieger then goes to Frost to tell him about Blade, whilst begging for another chance to kill Karen. Frost gives him no constructive feedback. Not even something like, “You're inept, I'm firing you”. Instead, he kills Krieger, tossing his body into the pool for someone else to presumably clean up.
All in all, if you find yourself replying to a LinkedIn job post for a vampire familiar, move along! It's so not worth it.