For about as long as I can remember (or at least since 2008), the worst film I’ve ever seen was The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I had yet to see anything that could possibly shift that from the top spot, the only film I’ve ever considered leaving the cinema whilst watching. The only film that not only bored me but offended me.
Then I saw The Bloodhound.
We open with a primordial image of a weird man crawling through a river and into a 70s style modern house. He crawls into a wardrobe closing the door behind him. Soon afterward, Francis (Liam Aikin) arrives to visit his friend JP (Joe Adler) and his twin Vivian (Annalise Basso) whom he has known since childhood. After a wander around the house, he eventually finds JP, who is a bit like one of those guys who read too many Anne Rice novels as a teen and talks like a 90s vampire, while Vivian is apparently restricted to her room with some unspecific illness. Francis, being completely devoid of anything resembling common sense or personality, decides to stay. No matter how weird the other two people in the house are. We are led through a series of very long scenes in which JP talks at Francis, and Francis shows little in the way of a logical response to the bullshit he’s spouting, or the escalating rapey overtones to their relationship. Occasionally the guy in the wardrobe goes for a mooch through the house to pull all the food out of the fridge (like E.T. but less cute!), and Vivian appears at a couple of points to say something equally nonsensical before slinking back to her room again. There’s also some sleeping bag wrestling. Just because.
This might sound quite good if you like weird films, which I do. Unfortunately, the acting is terrible, and the music alternates between piano plonking and discordant violin in what seems like an attempt to compensate for the actors showing no emotional response to anything. The combination of the two ends up mostly feeling awkward and silly. It does admittedly look quite good, whether that’s due to the house being photogenic or genuine skill behind a camera is anyone’s guess at this point.
I still haven’t quite decided if it’s worse than The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. But I’m not going to watch that again to find out.
Dir: Patrick Picard
Scr: Patrick Picard
Cast: Annalise Basso, Liam Aikin, Joe Adler
Prd: Leal Naim, Thomas R. Burke, Alex Don, Jason Don,
DoP: Jake Magee
Runtime: 72 mins
Exclusively streaming now on ARROW Blu-ray out 22nd March from Arrow Video