Ugly Cargo indeed! – Precious Cargo (DVD review)

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Oh, boy… Whenever you might expect a comeback from Bruce Willis himself, run and hide for your dear life because you’ll just probably end up feeling more and more disappointed afterwards. This is no exception as Max Adams’ Precious Cargo just ends up being another nail in the coffin for Willis’ career. Willis may have been the big star of the 80’s and 90’s thanks to the Die Hard films, Pulp Fiction, Unbreakable and TV’s Moonlighting, and has even done some great work recently thanks to both Looper and Moonrise Kingdom, yet it’s highly evident here that the size of the paycheck he was given was apparently much more important than the content of the film or having an enthusiastic commitment to anything. To be honest you can get more drama, empathy or intensity out of a damn lemon than Mr. Willis here. Hell, watching paint dry has more emotion than he does! He should either return his cheque or cram it up his Willis cause’ he is capable or much, much better when he gives a damn, but it became clear to everyone during the B-movie days of Vice and Extraction that he just didn’t give a damn anymore. He should just be let out of contract and have his agent fired since he clearly didn’t want to be there, and it totally shows.

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And it’s not just Willis that sucks, but also everything else in this movie. Everything across the board from the writing, directing, acting, action and cinematography fails badly. This is really just a Mark-Paul Gosselaar vehicle, but he’s just simply a bland lead and the fact his character is nicknamed the “Michelangelo of Thieves” is ludicrous considering he wasn’t particularly intelligent throughout. When you consider that he simply falls for more ridiculous lies from his ex-girlfriend and just blindly accept her alleged “pregnancy”, you do have to wonder whether or not he has a functional brain in his head. The gunfights in the film are so irritatingly bad your brain will literally try to escape through your ears and the ammunition used is ridiculously exaggerated, you’d wonder how it is they haven’t run out of ammo yet. Plus, the aiming by the bad guys are so poor, it makes the Stormtroopers in Star Wars look like expert marksmen in comparison. The action sequences fail to excite and the choreography involved is atrocious, with the speedboat chase in particular looking so laughably bad in execution. The cinematography is drab and dreary whilst the soundtrack is abominable, but even then, you can’t hear it over the bad dialogue and head-banging gunplay.

Despite having an abundance of women here, this movie really should’ve been titled ‘Precious Misogyny’ as almost every single other female character is portrayed as either being bitchy, acerbic, stupid, boring, clueless, shrill or angry. To give an example of how obnoxious the film is in its level of misogyny, there is a weird scene where Daniel Bernhardt’s henchman character returns looking for Willis, only to end up getting into a protracted face-off with Willis’ barrage of buxom, fake blonde bimbos and accusing them of being “whores” who will end up with “banged up pussies”. What the F**k!? When you watch the film, you’ll know that this scene serves absolutely no bearing on the plot in any shape or form and is so horribly handled. However, oddly former WWE wrestler Torrie Wilson is in this scene and she actually gives the best performance out of all the female performers in this film. Yes, Torrie Wilson in a tight blue bikini is actually the best part of the whole movie! Everything else is total shit!

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Claire Forlani (yes, seriously!) is in this film playing a sexy and seductive thief, yet I don’t know what the hell she was thinking of when she signed on for this film! Forlani must’ve thought, “Well, I did CSI and that turned out well, so I could do an action B-movie as well. Perhaps it will be fun… Oh, shit!” Jenna B. Kelly is the young sniper, and her acting range has all the qualities of a Cyberman’s face, as her performance is incredibly lifeless and monotonous. Frankly, Adams wouldn’t know a normal, well-rounded female character if one had punched him hard in the face, and despite trying to amp up the female agenda to appease everyone, it seriously becomes hard to swallow and moronic to watch.

Like the equally atrocious Vice and Extraction, Precious Cargo is an abominably, obnoxious movie, as evidenced by its rare 0% score rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Hell, the fact that some of the cast and crew from Vice and Extraction are in this film is good enough reason to skip this movie alone. Don’t even try to download this thing because this is not worth having 96 minutes of your life wasted.

1/5

 

Dir: Max Adams

Scr: Max Adams, Paul V. Seetachitt

Cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Bruce Willis, Claire Forlani, John Brotherton, Lydia Hull, Daniel Bernhardt, Tyler Jon Olson, Jenna B. Kelly, Christopher Rob Bowen, Sammi Barber, Jean-Claude Leuyer, Nicolas M. Loeb, Ashley Kirk, Torrie Wilson

Prd: James Edward Barker, Randall Emmett, Ted Fox, George Furla, Norton Herrick, Scott Mann

DOP: Brandon Cox

Music: James Edward Barker, Tim Despic

Country: Canada

Year: 2016

Run time: 96 mins

 

Precious Cargo is out now on DVD and blu-ray.

 

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